Monday, October 28, 2019

What It's Like: Realities of Life for CAP Students


This week marks, I believe, the EIGHTH week of protests in Haiti, the EIGHTH week of what they call "peyi lok," when the country is locked-down: businesses, schools, and roads are closed, resulting in loss of income, food, medical treatment, et cetera. Riots erupt all over the country. Along with the majority of schools, Christian Academy of Petit Goave (CAP) has been closed for weeks, and everyone is suffering. Our hearts are heavy for the children most of all. 
Unable to return to Haiti with said lock-down, I remain here in the U.S. and pray for our brothers and sisters in-country, from the seasoned missionaries to the hungry toddlers. I remain here and write to shed some light onto circumstances in Haiti, egregious without the added complications of lock-down. I write from the experience of listening to our students and their families and from personally visiting their homes and working with them in school. These are truths of how most of them live. 
It is uncomfortable truth, truth that makes us conscious, perhaps even somewhat guilty, of our luxurious comforts. Comforts that are commonplace to the average first-worlder: hot showers, stocked refrigerators, blanketed beds, closets of clothes, law enforcement.
The shocking, brutal, and we-wish-it-weren’t-true truth of the lives of our kids in Haiti, and millions of children in the majority world, immediately subtracts all those comforts, and even what we would call “necessities.”

Imagine yourself a student at CAP...

First, there’s your house. It’s comprised of one, maybe two, maybe three rooms, all joined together probably without doors in between, only curtains. There are four, five, six, perhaps seven or nine residents in said rooms. The walls are plywood, cardboard, tarp, woven palm fronds, cinder block, or some combination there-of. The floor is dirt or cement. There are no closets. No kitchen. No bathroom (many houses share one latrine.) No water. No electricity. Possibly curtains grant some visual privacy. Possibly a chest of drawers holds some clothes, supports an odd assortment of goods such as a radio, picture frames, a stuffed animal, pots and pans. Maybe there’s a bed for Mama and Papa to share with the baby. Or a cot. There might be a pile of blankets which you and your siblings use to sleep on the floor. Maybe there are windows, slits in the cinder blocks, or open squares fitted with wooden shutters. Maybe not. Lack of windows adds to the dim interior. Remember, there are no lights. The door is flimsy plywood with a flimsy lock thieves can easily break—they’ve robbed the house before—or severe iron that encloses the house like a tomb. Papa only locks that at night when you’re all going to sleep or when no one is home.

Outside there is a charcoal pit or cylindrical miniature range for cooking: a hollowed-out stump with empty belly for charcoal and an iron grate top. You’ve gotten burned from the fire more than once. Lines are strung for laundry. Laundry is also spread on the rusted corrugated zinc roof, the roof that makes a cacophony in the rain and always leaks. The clothes may spread along the fence about the house. The fence may be that mixture of materials such as woven fronds, wire, bamboo poles, bits of plywood, or the house might shelter behind a cinder block wall topped with broken glass. Remaining laundry may drape bushes or the ground. These clothes and sheets have been laboriously hand-washed and now sunshine to dry before mold gathers, quick in the tropical humidity. Sometimes you have to wear damp socks to school because there wasn’t enough time for them to dry. If you wear dirty socks the teachers make you wash them, and that’s embarrassing. Better to wash them at home and wear them damp.

To wash your clothes and dishes and to cook and bathe, you’ve got to collect water. Somewhere within (hopefully) reasonable walking distance is a cistern, a public water-source. In town there are large concrete tanks, maybe as high as one story, with taps and a drainage basin. On the fringes of the hills are pumps or a reservoir where you might bathe while women wash clothes, children gather water for home, or someone washes his motorcycle or his pig. You get strong quickly toting that water up and down the path to your house; you have excellent balance and posture from carrying jugs on your head.
Your feet are tough as rawhide from picking over roots, rocks, and debris. You scramble along ridges and defy gravity with the goats playing around your mountain house. If you live by the sea you learn to “swim,” and appreciate splashing about in the waves as high as your knees. If you’re really bold you’ll progress to swimming underwater, and run naked into the surf at every opportunity. If you live in town you play in the street and jump across the drainage ditch back and forth. When it’s too hot you find shade beside a wall or under a tree, unless you have chores to do: watch the little ones, tend the fire, cook food, wash laundry or dishes, sweep up, tote water. It’s hard work, but you’ve been doing it since you were four or so. You’re strong now.

When you’re thirsty you have to be careful. At school they warn you not to drink that water you bring to the house. Drinking water must be boiled down on the charcoal range. Or you can purchase an eight ounce “dlo sache” water sack: plastic sacks you drink by biting open a corner and sucking out the water. Half of that water might be used to splash your face and hands for want of a sink or simply to combat the constant heat. You like it when they play with the dlo sache and squirt water at you like a fountain. But that’s only if someone else is buying. Mama would never pay for you to waste a dlo sache like that.

You’re hot and tired when you get home from school. You have to walk in the afternoon heat and dust with your backpack. All those books are heavy. When you arrive you take off your uniform right away to keep it as clean as possible: you’ve got to wear it again tomorrow. You have two shirts and four days to wear them. (On Friday you wear the school t-shirt.) You put on your house clothes, which might be ratty and full of holes. You might have sandals to wear, you might not. Hopefully there’s food to eat. Hopefully you have some time to play, if you don’t have chores, or aren’t going to church service that evening. Anyway, you have homework to do. And you’d better finish your homework while there’s daylight. You can see well in the dark, but reading is tough without light. When you’re older you can congregate under the streetlights on the main roads with other students, if there’s city power. You’re lucky if you’ve got a flashlight or can borrow someone’s phone to shine it on your books. But batteries only last so long. Anyway, you find a way to get your work done. Perhaps you got ahead in school earlier that day or excel at finishing it in the courtyard before class starts next morning. You find a way. That’s the only way to survive.

Your parents find a way, if they’re alive.
Papa might work as a day-laborer, hauling buckets of cement, laying cinder blocks, building under the broiling sun. He might push a wheelbarrow of sugar cane, stopping to skin and chop off individual pieces with his machete for passersby. He might push a wobbling cart and sell fresco: shaving ice into plastic cups with a squirt of syrup, a popular refreshment on a hot afternoon. He might sell cell phone minutes in a red Digicel apron, sit under an umbrella with a glass case of phones, headphones, and other electronic gadgets. He might run after "papadap" express vans with a handful of Dous Makos candy, bottled soda, or pomket muffins, reaching through the windows to do business with passengers inside. He might accompany the papadaps on their routes, calling out stops and number of places left in the van. Maybe he drives a moto-taxi, tends a garden, assists an electrician, carpenter, or mechanic “boss.” He might be a tailor, custodian or even clean latrines. Maybe he works away on the mountain or in the capital city. Maybe he doesn’t work at all. Maybe he’s gone and you never knew him.

Mama might work as a vender, sitting beside the road in a melee of other women, all trying to outsell one another. She might have her wide, low baskets spread with candy, fruit, soaps and lotions, shoes, notebooks, hair ribbons or spaghetti. She might fry plantains or pate, serve bread spread with peanut butter, ladle coffee from a bucket early in the morning. She, too, might reach through van windows with Dous Makos or pomkets. Maybe she’s up before dawn to catch a "taptap" pickup truck taxi to the bigger market in the next town. She could be a hairdresser, manicurist, or seamstress, or cook, clean, and wash for another family. After school you might go there for a plate of what she’s cooked that day, before you go home without her until she finishes around dusk. She might be too ill or too busy with her own babies to work for pay. She might live far up the mountain or work in the capital, sending money when she can. She might be absent. Or dead.

Maybe you don’t live with either your mother or your father. Maybe you live with a “matante” aunt or “tonton” uncle, or someone you call aunt or uncle. Maybe you live with grandparents. Maybe with neighbors. Maybe you’ve been passed from one house to the next with never a compassionate word or gesture of welcome. You’ve always been just another mouth to feed and uniform to iron.

Maybe you hate being at the house. Probably school is your favorite place to be, better even than playing outside. No one at school has to know what it’s like at home. The teachers love you, you can play with your classmates, you get food, you have water to wash and drink, and someone else lifts the buckets. You even look the same as the other kids, and you look good. Your orange shirt is clean and starched, your blue shorts or skirt is pressed, and your black shoes are shined. Your hair is oiled and styled with blue or white bows and clips, or cut close to your head. You and your classmates look your best; you are proud to be a student. You can read and write a lot now, which Mama and Papa couldn’t ever do well.

Sometimes you can’t hide where you come from. When you’re too hungry to listen in class, too hungry to sit up, they know. It’s hard to be honest, to say you’re hungry, to admit you only had sugar water since yesterday. It’s hard to ask for food. Mama taught you not to. When you were really little and didn’t know any better you used to tell Mama you were hungry. You cried for her to give you food. She scolded you, told you to be quiet. There wasn’t any food to give you. You might as well stop crying and forget it. Deal with it. So you stopped asking. You stopped crying when your stomach or head hurt, or when you were too tired to go get water because you were hungry.
At school they tell you to ask. The teachers say you can tell them when you’re hungry and they’ll give you something, even if it’s not lunch time. You might go to the kitchen first thing in the morning to get an extra peanut-butter cracker. You might go to the office during class because you’re crying over your empty belly and they’ll hand you a plate of rice. They always tell you to drink water. Lots and lots of water. When it is lunchtime you wash your hands and wait in line for food. Madame Dada asks you if you want a lot or a little rice, and you say “a lot!” every time. You hurry back to class and eat as fast as you can so you can get back to the kitchen for your second plate. That heaping plate of rice and beans is the best food you’ll get today, so you’d better eat a lot. Most days there is enough in the pots that Madame Dada can serve you again, you and a bunch of other kids in your class who have the hungry eyes; but some days there just isn’t enough as you all want, and you all take turns scraping your spoons in the bottom of the pots for every last bit of rice. Sometimes you all share one last plate of rice. It’s hard to share sometimes, when you’re so hungry and just want to take care of yourself. But you know that they’re hungry, too, and they’re your family. So you always share. You’re good at ignoring the hunger anyway. It’s just part of your life, like toting the water buckets and sleeping on the floor with your brothers and sisters.

Not all of them come to school with you, and when you see their hungry eyes, hear how their teacher hit them when they gave the wrong answer, or just sat around the house because they don’t go to school at all, you know you’re really luck to go to school. Not lucky, blessed. They tell you you’re blessed because Jesus loves you and is taking care of you. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like he is, when Mama is sick, your baby brother has a fever, your sister has a new baby from her boyfriend who left her, when the rain washes out the path to town, or when you’re all so hungry it hurts—but they tell you at school all the time that God knows and God is listening. So you pray. You pray a lot. You figure that you’re still alive, so God must care. Anyway, you’re glad that God put you in school. You hope one day you can help your family with your good education. Maybe you’ll be president. The president doesn’t carry water or sleep on the floor. You’d like to live in a nice big house like the president. Most of all you’d like to not be hungry. And for your family to not be hungry. You keep praying. God can make it happen. Even if he doesn’t make you president, he can make the pot of rice and beans multiply like the fish and loaves so everyone gets enough to eat.
You go to bed thinking about school tomorrow. You’re glad knowing you get to go.






Monday, October 14, 2019

Suicidal Missionary: The Continuing Story


Please be Advised: What follows is the most personal and vulnerable blog I’ve written. I will be sharing about mental illness, specifically depression and anxiety; suicide risk, and mental health treatment. My intention is not to alarm or frighten anyone, nor to evoke drama or pity; I intend instead to glorify God, who I credit with my survival and continuous healing; to encourage anyone who may be going through similar struggles, and to further the understanding of and lessen the stigma of mental illness. 

I’m going to tell you an upsetting story. But persevere, keep reading through (I know it’s a bit long, forgive me if I wax loquacious) to the happy ending. Let me explain why I suddenly left my job of teaching God’s most beautiful children in the middle of the semester, why I fled the home I love in Haiti, ceased communication with almost everyone I care for, why I went off the radar. Listen to how I fell off the deep end. And then listen to me brag about God. (If you don't believe in God keep reading anyway.) 

In May I left my job teaching English at school in Haiti, cut out midway through the quarter, dropped classes and students to flee back to New Hampshire where I holed up in my childhood bedroom.

I left because I was afraid to stay. In three years of living and working in this volatile third world country harassed by hurricanes, gangs, and violent protests, for the first time I was afraid for my life. Every day, several times a day, my life was threatened.
Threatened as I stepped to the edge of the roof and looked down. Threatened as I approached the main street and watched for fast-moving trucks and buses. As I unscrewed the cap of a bleach jug and as I counted pills in my store.
I wanted to die. I was ready to die by my own hand.

I could no longer tolerate the loneliness, the failure, the self-loathing. All the short-comings of curriculum, of English-learning, lack of understanding of lessons or Bible application, rude words, the long line of hungry, desperate neighbors, the constancy of my foot in my mouth, deciding to sleep rather than keep company, eating food that could have gone to another, lack of French or complex Creole, that ridiculously long list of mistakes and wrongs done to others—these piled upon me. Every failure was my failure. Everything was my fault. The certainty of this was weight I couldn’t shake off.
In class I smiled and hugged the kids. I tried to sing and pray with fervor to match the other teachers who praised God through their stories of suffering: sickness, poverty, overcrowding. In between classes and duties I snuck up to the roof and cried.
When I did break down and sob, I tried to do so in secret. If discovered, sometimes others berated me for crying. Always I criticized myself. There was no reason for me to cry. My life was a breeze compared to our kids, who came from shacks without water or electricity, who slept on the floor or piled together with siblings, who had no mosquito nets to prevent bites, who had to trek down the mountain for school. My parents had never beat or neglected me. I wasn’t passed around among hostile relatives. Plenty of people sent me messages and letters assuring me I was loved and special. This crying was pathetic. A waste of time.
So onto the weight of miserable failure piled more guilt, like lead gilding an iron yoke. The yoke was breaking me. The best thing for everybody would be my absence. I was only making things worse. Since I couldn’t prevent my birth, erase my existence, I could end my life now. I’d be free. They’d all be free of me.

There were many ways to commit suicide. I’d heard that the most common method in Haiti is drinking bleach. Easy enough to acquire; I even had bleach in my room for cleaning the floors. The school and our house had flat roofs easy to mount and jump from. All that concrete could be lethal. Probably I could find a gun. We knew a mother who had jumped in front of a speeding bus. A man had been discovered on the beach after drowning himself. I had clothesline rope. In the past I’d slit my wrists lightly for relief. Cut a little deeper…
Such were my thoughts of escape.
And when I wasn’t calculating with disappointment the inadequate height of the roof or reading online warnings of ingesting an excess of Nyquil, I was terrified. Terrified I would follow through and do it: kill myself, and the resultant impact. There was much to consider.
Who would find my body? How would that affect them? How traumatizing! And if I jumped off the school roof or threw myself in front of a speeding truck there on National Road, the kids were sure to see. They had enough post-traumatic stress. What of my house family? They’d have to live here with my death tainting the premises. And what if the cleanup were messy—a literal stain upon their play space in the courtyard or those beautiful white tiles in the guest bedroom?
What of the driver of the truck I chose? The passengers? The witnesses on the road? They would have to live with another death, or the guilt of cause. And again, the kids! I couldn’t put them through such horror.
And my parents. I knew they loved me, and I loved them. I didn’t them to deal with their child’s suicide. And what if foul play were suspected? This was a U.N. recognized risky area; what if the authorities suspected my housemates or locals of harming me? What if those I loved were arrested for my murder?
And, worst of all, what if I survived? What if I were merely injured, or paralyzed? Wound up brain-dead hooked to machines for months or years to come? Stuck in the limbo between life and death and forever haunted by the shame and failure of what I’d done (or tried to do.) I’d see the betrayal on all their faces when they looked at me. Their pity and disgust.

When my mind was too worn with agony to conjure these horrific possibilities, there was still a hint of reason. I remembered my student-loan debt. If I died Mom and Dad would be saddled with it. The shallow practicality and undeniable truth of this held even when I couldn’t summon energy to empathize with those who would be impacted by my death.
Many days, nights, moments, I knew I’d be doing everyone a favor by dying and had to remind myself of the student-loan debt, the bills piling up for Mom and Dad. It was usually just enough to combat the truth: I’d caused enough problems. I wasn’t worth my keep. They’d all be better off without me.

Such was my thinking the first weeks of May.
Actually such my thinking was on and off over the past few years. But this spring was the worst. The battle had been raging too long and I was losing. It was just a matter of [little] time before I did it, before I tried to kill myself for real.

So I left Haiti, where mental illness has one translation, “fou” (crazy.)
Letting everyone down, breaking my “contract” of teaching through the year, I gave brief notice and fled to my parents’ house in NH.
Once Stateside I got in to see my primary care physician. She upped the meds. Yes, I was already taking daily anti-depressant medication. And I had tried counseling. For over a year I’d been semi-regularly conversing with a counselor over the phone. I hadn’t found her particularly helpful or insightful to the third-world missionary life. But I spoke with her, told her the truth, followed her more practical advice. I’d followed lots of advice. I tried. I exercised, hard and regularly. Sometimes I even played soccer with the kids. I slept, rested, took time for myself with the door closed. I colored and listened to music. I prayed hard in the blue dawn cool. I read my Bible. I meditated in the sunset light. I watched the stars and the palm trees and the surf. I messaged with distant friends. I confided in certain housemates. I sang praise, went to church, attended devotion. I ate as well as I could and drank plenty of water. I took my daily vitamins, brushed my teeth, kept clean, dressed neatly for school and church. I loved hard on the kids, holding back no affection nor energy from them. I studied and prepared for lessons. I took work seriously. I didn’t leave much time to idle or fret. Every morning I took that anti-depressant. Every day I journaled. Every day I prayed. I tried. I tried. I tried hard. It wasn’t enough.

My PCP has soft eyes and a gentle voice. She speaks kindly. When we met in May she said increasing the small dosage of my current anti-depressant medication was Step One. We could fight this. She gave me the number of a nearby Christian counselor. Someone to meet with in-person.

Mom and I went to the counselor’s office. I feared being too emotional to drive home safely, driving while sobbing is most unwise, so Mom drove and waited in the lobby while I went to meet the counselor, Mary. I could hardly look at her, ashamed and hopeless as I was. I knew I wasn’t going to get better. I knew my life was essentially over. But for the sake of the kids to whom I’d committed and long ago lost my heart, I had to try. So I met with Mary the counselor. She assured me there was hope for me, and I’d achieved a major accomplishment in seeking help. We agreed to meet once a week for at least 15 sessions.

So it’s been for the past five months. Each week I meet with Mary, sitting in my place in the corner of the blue couch. We talk. She listens and responds. I listen and sometimes respond. Sometimes I sob. Sometimes I nearly hyperventilate. Sometimes I withdraw so deeply we need a crowbar to prise out words. For so long I held in truth and feelings I often now freeze when encouraged to share. Sometimes we do exercises meant to induce anxiety, and then cope with it. Sometimes we make lists. Always we talk about automatic thoughts. Those thoughts that appear and can knock us flat with terror or despair. We talk about how to let them appear, amble about like a white bear foraging the forests of my mind, and disappear again. Over and over again I must repeat the three outcomes: worst, best, and most realistic. Often those three are not terribly dissimilar. Mary has given me logs to catalogue the thoughts, the emotions, the anxieties, and face them. She’s shared psychological research and tools.
Before I depart from our never-less-than-an-hour sessions she prays over me.

Mary has been wonderful. Not the least for her medicinal advice; she has coordinated with my PCP over medication adjustments. I have been on the fourth regimen for about two months now. It’s effective. My PCP has renewed the prescriptions for a year and cleared me for return to Haiti, pending the approval of the otolaryngologist and my healed sinuses. Mary deems me able to serve, as well, but as our time is beneficial we plan to meet until I depart.

I’ve never skipped a session with Mary. We have a standing appointment on Friday mornings. When my head was splitting from a five-day migraine I went. When I was still trembling from a panicky weekend I went. When I am furious with the world, furious with myself, certain nothing will ever pull me from the pit, the lump in my throat a boulder around which words cannot squeeze—still I go. Still I make that session. And even when I’m headed out, certain this was a waste of time, that I failed again, haven’t made any progress, Mary congratulates me.
“Good job. You came today and that was hard.”
From the beginning she has been confident I could get better, heal enough to go back to Haiti, return to work.
“Depression is like wearing dark lenses,” she says, tapping her glasses with a finger. “When you wear them the whole world is dark. You can’t see hope.”
I nod. I agree. In the pit of despair nothing is visible. All is darkness. It always was dark. It always will be dark. There is nothing good to remember and nothing to look forward to. No redemption. No hope.
“But we’re going to get to the place where you can take off the glasses,” Mary continues.
Since May we’ve been working on pulling off those glasses, or at least clearing the lenses. And getting a handle on the anxiety that apparently has been choking me for years.

These days suicide almost never crosses my mind.
I am so saddened when I hear of a case, of someone who gave in and ended her own life. (I would not call these “successful” suicide cases. There is no such thing.) I understand the complete despair; I understand the shame, the self-loathing so overwhelming you wish you could just peel off your skin, desperate to be anywhere except your own head.
I am so sad, so sorry, that she never got over it, this victim. Yes, victim. No one chooses depression. We don’t get to decide among depression, diabetes, or even cancer. I ache for the victim who never reached the place where it gets better and hope is visible again. Light. Laughter. Love from sympathetic or even empathetic friends. Support from folks who have been in the Pit themselves.
I am sad for the victim first.
Then I grieve for those left behind. For those who loved the victim, and those the victim loved.
All over again I know how important it is to share with the hurting. To pursue those with the shadowed eyes who always answer, “I’m fine.” Who won’t let you see them cry.
All over again, mourning with the victim’s family, considering the victim who couldn’t climb out of the Pit, I know how blessed I am to be alive.

Mental illness doesn’t wear a cast. It doesn’t need crutches or an IV. There are no infusions, bandages, or pacemakers. You cannot see it and maybe you cannot understand it. We are visual creatures, after all.
But mental illness is hideously real and afflicts far more people than you think, and probably many whom you know personally. In the United States alone approximately 16 million people suffer from Major Depression a year (Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 2017). 35% of these people will receive no treatment (National Institute of Mental Health). 47,173 U.S. Americans committed suicide in 2017 (NIMH).

Around the world the World Health Organization estimates that more than one million people commit suicide each year (ADAA); these numbers are particularly difficult to confirm in developing countries like Haiti. Depression is a serious sickness that may be circumstantial, resulting from specific events, or may be chronic and genetic, flaring up and receding without determinable cause. Sometimes we are just sad for no reason. Desperately, achingly sad. We can’t tell you why. So please be patient with us.
Like any illness, depression, anxiety, bi-polar or obsessive-compulsive disorders, or post-traumatic stress, all mental illnesses require attention, treatment, and utmost compassion.

Plenty of people in my life who I love and who love me do not understand depression. They struggle to accept mental illness as a true health concern. When first informed about depression or anxiety they rejected medical evidence and assured me I was simply sad. I needed to pray more, they said. Spend more time with God. Get a little more sleep, eat something, sing some happy songs. It will pass. You’ll be fine, they said. Perhaps they did not intend to be dismissive, I am sure that none intended further harm. However, with those dark glasses, under the shame that accompanies depression and the severe self-loathing, words such as these, light-hearted advice to pray more or to “just cheer up,” can be terribly detrimental. They can be lethal: the last push towards suicide.

Sometimes just listening is best. Being in the room with someone. Willingness to endure with someone can be lifesaving. Some people in my life who I love and who love me understand depression. They sit, they listen, they check-in. Some suffer, too. When I speak of the dread of leaving bed, of ruining the mood in a room, of being that Debbie Downer, they sigh, too. “Yep, been there.” We reassure one another that the darkness is real, that the doctors have confirmed chemical imbalance necessitating medical treatment, and we try to boost one another up. We take turns in the Pit and take turns lowering a hand, dropping a ladder, or shining a lantern in the darkness. We encourage one another to keep fighting.

We need your help, Friends.
Whether you have depression or not, whether you think it’s a weakness or a true illness, we need your help. Yes, I am far too weak to deal with this on my own. God assures me that is okay. In fact, God assures me that the weak will shame the strong (1 Corinthians 1:27 NIV). God also commands us to love one another (John 15:12 NIV), with love that is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4), and to rejoice with those who rejoice and to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15 NIV). We should not suffer alone but together (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV).

I am not suffering as I was. I am better now. I am far improved from May, when ascending to the roof or getting in the car was a conflict of interests. These days I don’t want to dive in front of a speeding truck or jump off a bridge. I want to live. I want to enjoy God’s beautiful creation, which here in New Hampshire is bursting with autumn color. I want to love on God’s beautiful Haitian children with whom we’ve been charged.
However, I am not cured. I’m not ever going to be rid of this sickness. It’s chronic; it’s genetic. I know this depression and anxiety will linger always, like my bad skin and weak eyes. The war of worth continues in quieter skirmishes.
But I am here.
Five months ago, three months ago, two months ago, that didn’t seem possible.
That is God. Over and over again, through the conflict, beyond the darkness, the promise sounds: “You are worthy and I love you.”

Many times the only prayer I could whimper was, “It hurts, God.” Over and over again.
God always listened. And He didn’t quit on me. He put the right people in place so I wouldn’t quit either, so that I didn’t go through with suicide. He spoke life through loved ones. “You’re definitely not a lost cause,” one said to me.
God agreed. He set His children in my heart so I always had 166 beautiful reasons to keep fighting. Getting well enough to return to them, now 189 of them, has been my primary motivation for the past five months. The time is near, I think.

Every day I take medication. Each week I meet with Mary the counselor. There are those with whom I can share fully, and those who support me, including my parents. All these gifts are God-arranged.
When I cry that it’s not fair, it’s hard, I’m lonely and misunderstood and tired and sad and just want to go home to Heaven, I hear Jesus answer, “I know.” Jesus knows because He has been there, has lived it. Jesus knows better than any of us injustice, rejection, the weight of sin and despair. He was arrested in secret without warrant, tried, found not guilty but flogged and executed anyway. He was literally spit upon and mocked by those who had called Him friend. His family called Him crazy. His closest friends disowned Him. Jesus was left alone, naked and mutilated. He went willingly into the darkness we fear and goes back over and over again for our sake. Jesus drops into the Pit with us, sits beside us. We just may not see Him.

On this side of healing, I can see. I can see how God saved my life (many times). When I look back over the past five months I can hardly believe how far I have come. How far God has brought me. He continues to replace guilt, fear, and loneliness with worth, joy, and purpose. Without God there is no real hope, even with medication and therapy. For without God, without the prospect of a permanent, perfect Home, a place unimaginably better than this broken world, what is there to hope for? What is there to look forward to?

More than anything, even more than returning to those beautiful, wonderful, loving children I miss so much there is a fist clenching my heart, I want to make God proud. I want to get better, fight the darkness, work hard and live well so one day I die in peace without hastening my time. I want to get to Heaven and hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

If this sad life were all there is I would have done it. I’d be dead.
Knowing this life is just the trial run before true life begins keeps me moving forward.
Depression sucks. Depression causes severe impairment in all aspects of life. Depression kills. Life can suck. Life is hard, full of pain and suffering. Man’s days are short and full of trouble (Job 14:1).
But this is not as good as it gets.
God is on my side. Your side. Our side. He knows every hair on our heads. He wants to give us better life, life to the fullest (John 10:10). Full life such as I’ve already started enjoying.

Yeah, I’m bragging. I didn’t kill myself. I didn’t surrender. I kept fighting, like some warrior hero of old, Achilles or Ajax or Odysseus. I’m still fighting, just not by my own might. And I’m on the winning side. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there’s nothing that He cannot do. That includes pulling a suicidal missionary away from the ledge and giving her hope again.

Hope, Godly hope, is why I can stop writing here. This is not a tragedy nor is it ending. This is a story to be continued, and even if I’m not always happy to live it, I am not eager to end it.


Please, please, Friend, if you are suffering from depression, if you are thinking of giving up, if you are considering suicide or self-harm of any kind, please let someone know. I am here for you. Send me a message: rachel.allyssa93@gmail.com You are not alone. Please reach out. We are reaching back to you.
If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 

Major Depression according to the National Institute of Mental Health, USA

Facts and Statistics from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, USA

Suicide Statistics from the NIMH, USA