Pre-Transition Sadness

Let me explain something to you.

Being a missionary is hard.

Brilliant, I know. Groundbreaking, too.

But seriously. This missionary life is not easy.

Of course, I love my life. I love what we do. I love the way we see God moving, providing, healing, and redeeming every day. I love my family, students,  and continuous new friends. I love our beautiful residence and location. I love teaching and reaching God’s children.

But it’s hard.

We do give up a lot to do what we do. We have given up a lot.

I never wanted to be a teacher boxed inside a classroom.

I wanted a farm. I wanted to raise dogs and horses and illustrate children’s books from an upstairs, sun-filled studio in a rambling refurbished farm house.

I wanted to live by the mountains but not unreasonably far from my parents.

I wanted a comfortable life. Don’t we all?

It’s not important, many of the things we’ve given up.

Our preferred clothes and styles. Our favorite foods. Sleeping in and snuggling up on the sofa before the TV. Not a big deal.

The independence is tougher to surrender. Ability to walk out the door unconcerned. To hop in the car and cruise down well-maintained and well-monitored streets. To window shop, grocery shop, get a haircut or visit the bank without hassle or security checks.

English church is harder still to miss. There’s nothing like worship in your native tongue. The ease in following a sermon in your first language. The power of prayer and song and WORD understood without translation.

But people are the biggest sacrifice.

Jesus promised that whoever gave up mother or brother or friend for Him would gain so many more (Mark 10:28-29). Surely He told the truth. Surely we have gained many beloved family and friends in our travels and ministry.

But we still miss our family and friends from before.

Tonight I visited my brothers and underwent the difficult pre-transition phase. A contemplative, serious, solemn, and tear-jerking phase. It’s not a time of regret or hesitation. There’s no doubt in my mind I am where I need to be and God has set a place for me in Ti Goave. However, there is definite sadness in the separation.

There is wistfulness, reminiscences of childhood, fond memories of our times together in younger years, awe at how far we have come and how different our life paths.

Through all the joy and love of my life, I still hurt to be so far from my family.

They are my first family: my parents and brothers. They are the first ones I knew and still the ones with whom I’ve spent the most time.

They are the ones with whom I have the most inside jokes, the most movie references that leave others baffled, the ones with whom I can interpret looks, gestures, and read thoughts.

I still shed tears leaving them. Even if they don’t see.

You needn’t be surprised when I say definitively that I’m returning to Haiti. You needn’t be bewildered when I say comfortably that Beverly and I have no plans to leave. We see a future there and will remain as long as God provides the means.

Haiti is home. We are blessed beyond measure.

However, don’t be surprised at our sadness. Don’t be bewildered at our tears when we leave those we love behind. We still harbor great love for the places from which we come and the people with whom we have long history.

New Hampshire and Texas are home. Korea, South Carolina, and Missouri are home. In all these places is love beyond measure.

Rejoice with us as we return to loved ones in Haiti. Myself this week and Beverly in the near future.

But weep with us too as we consider the great distance between us.

Together let us look forward to our True Home where there will be no more tears, no more distance, no more separation, and no more departures. Where no one will be left behind.

Until then, we carry on, each of us following God wherever He calls us. We praise God for the good times and pray for the strength to endure absence. And we do our best to keep in contact so that none of you forget how much we love you, near and far.

²⁸ Peter began to say to him, “See, we have left everything and followed you.” ²⁹ Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, ³⁰ who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. ~Mark 10:28-29 NIV

²⁸ And Peter said, “See, we have left our homes and followed you.”²⁹ And he said to them, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers^[b] or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, ³⁰ who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life.” ~Luke 18:28-29