Friday, September 9, 2016

Jameson -- Preventable Tragedy

Today we took a little boy home. He led us down the alley, sidestepping the gray puddles and dodging the little dog with its ferocious bark. He turned right at the end of the row of concrete and tin houses and stopped with his hand on a tall pink door, wooden and crooked.
“Bonswa,” Beverly called out as Madanm Rose knocked on the door. There was no welcoming response.
“Anyone home?” Beverly asked.
Madanm Rose translated. “Gen moun nan kay la?”
Jameson, our seven-year old friend, shook his head.
Rose took hold of the door and pulled, then reached up and tugged at the latch at the top where the door was held back. It gave way and Jameson stepped inside, his orange shirt disappearing behind the fuchsia gold-trimmed curtain hanging in the doorway.
I followed him, if only to put down the carry-out box of food I was holding.
Inside the floor was stone, a compilation of concrete and odds and ends tile. The room was about ten by twelve feet square with bright magenta walls. Framing the room were a bed, shelving, chairs, surfaces stacked with dishes, pots and pans. The bed was full-sized, a mattress mostly covered with a white slip. It took up perhaps a third of the space.
I set the food box down on one of the chairs and turned to Jameson.
Madanm Rose asked him where he slept. He gestured to the bed.
“There’s no one here,” Beverly voiced our mutual observation. The house was certainly devoid of people. There was nowhere to hide.
I picked Jameson up and set him on the bed, wishing for a clean cloth to wipe his face and hands. All I had were my own grubby hands, so I pulled off his shoes and watched him lie down on his stomach, his face flat to the mattress. There were no pillows.
I stood there stroking his head as I’d been doing all afternoon. The shape was familiar now.
The others went outside looking for the neighbor, vwason-la, to whom they could explain the medicine.

Jameson has typhoid fever.
According to the Center for Disease Control, typhoid is “common in most parts of the world except industrialized regions such as the United States, Canada, western Europe, Australia, and Japan…and the highest risk for typhoid is in south Asia.” It’s caused by contaminated food or water.
“He could have fecal matter in his food. He could have fecal matter in his water,” Beverly said as we drove towards Jameson’s house after leaving the hospital. Beverly was driving and her eyes were faithfully on the road before us. I was sitting in the back as I had for the past hour, Jameson’s head in my lap and one hand stroking his hair.
“He’s got to wash his hands,” Beverly concluded.
“How?” I asked.
Beverly turned to glance at me. “Exactly.”

Jameson’s lives with six other people. Seven people somehow compact into that wee magenta-walled space, all corners crammed with odd assortments. On the shelf on the back wall were some VHS tapes, American movies. Above the bed a smaller shelf held some illegible bottles and a toothbrush. To the right of the door was a stack of pots and pans and cookware, and promisingly, next to this was a narrow table covered with a plastic table cloth and dishes of rice and beans topped with those handy plastic fly-screens.
There is no electricity. There is no sink. There was no one there to greet us, listen to the instructions of medicine or comfort one sick little boy.

“We had to teach the children how to pee in the toilet,” Beverly told me recently. “We had to teach them to use the toilet instead of just squatting over the drain in the floor.”
At our school, housed in rented space, there is a bathroom with two grungy stalls. The toilets must be force-flushed periodically with water barreled outside the door. That bathroom is a luxurious accommodation for many of our students.
“We’re bringing them up in society,” Beverly added.
It might sound degrading if it were not so heartbreakingly true.

At our school parents are required to be involved. They must attend parent meetings, they must get their children to school and pick them up from school on time, and should call if the child cannot come. If parents do not comply their children may be expelled.
“They do not pay,” Beverly says, “so they need to try.”
This morning we had a meeting with children and parents preceding a dentist visit tomorrow and the start of school on Monday. Each parent had to sign in his or her presence and take a photo with his or her child before leaving. By the end of the morning there were only 20 students (of 121) without a check beside their name—and quite probably a few check marks were missed.
Parents are trying, the majority of the time. Or the guardian is trying. But when you have nothing, trying might not look like much.

Earlier in the week I went down into the “Ravine” behind Christian Light School, Port au Prince. Ms. Sherrie started doing a feeding program down there in addition to the school and orphanage she ran. These days the feeding program focuses on babies and children younger than three, for the school accepts three year olds and all students are fed during their school day.
Every morning around 9 or 9:30, time is relative here, Ms. Guetty and her helpers step out of the gate with their clipboard and buckets and trek down the road, turn into an alley, maneuver a market, cross a recently constructed bridge over a ravine of trash, sewage and pigs, and turn onto a corner.
On Tuesday Ms. Guetty sat down on a rock, one of her helpers sat beside her, setting his bucket down. The other two stood nearby as the children started to appear. They are too young to be unchaperoned. Many of them are only babes in arms.
For most the sight of a blan, red-faced and freckled, was a new experience.
Some were too shy to return my greeting of “Bonjou,” but one little girl instinctively knew, perhaps, to associate white skin with open arms.
No taller than my knee and her face lit up when she turned towards my voice. She got a huge grin and toddled right to me, arms spread wide. What a warm welcome she gave!

For about half an hour Ms. Guetty marked her clipboard with the attendees. All of those who came with their buckets, bowls and containers were already listed. Careful records are kept of who is fed and how they are progressing, or not.
That morning there were some no-shows, including a few who had not appeared in days previous.
The rest typically didn’t linger, but received their egg, bread and avocado and made their way back out of sight.
Behind us, sitting on the dusty corner of a dusty road, cringing out of the sun, were some houses. They were rusted tin and plywood doors. Laundry hung over a wall. Inside a baby cried. I would cry if I awoke in that house, too.

They’re not truly houses. They’re not homes.
These tin and scrap structures are the stuff of children’s forts. They’re something young ones build enthusiastic in their scavenging, unheeding of dirt floors or the odd nail or rust-eaten metal. They play happily in this private space they’ve built themselves, and then when they’re hungry, tired, cold or called, trot more happily homeward to their secure, clean, food-filled house.
But this is reality here.

Reality for Jameson is lack of soap.
He needs to wash his hands.
How?
That’s the question.
How to keep clean when the very bed you sleep on is infused with dust.
Before we left Jameson alone in the magenta-walled house that is sometimes filled with seven bodies, we prayed over him.
Beverly, Rose and Jonas, our teenage handyman, translator, and jokester, filed back through the doorway after talking with the neighbor.
Beverly instructed her when and how much medicine to give Jameson. Rose and Jonas translated the milliliters and frequency. Before leaving the hospital I’d doled out the five milliliters and tipped them back into Jameson’s mouth. The first one went down easily but the second one made his face scrunch up.
“Ooo, I guess it tastes bad,” I said, holding the water bottle so he could wash it down.
Beverly thought we ought to give him the medicine although he’d thrown up the little food he’d eaten.
“There should at least be a little something in his stomach,” she said.

Jameson came to school with his parents and brother this morning. They were faithfully on time and pleased to collect their school shirts and smile for the camera. However, Jameson complained of a sore throat and Beverly sent Jonas to buy some water for him, saying he had a fever.
She held him back to take to the hospital after we’d finished at school.
“The problem is,” Beverly said as we walked through the hospital courtyard, holding Jameson with his exhausted head on her shoulder, “is that no one can afford the hospital. They come and get a list of prescriptions and that’s all they can do.”
We’d entered the first building, squeezing around a corner where the front desk counter jutted outwards towards a row of cots. On one lay a woman with bandages from ankle to thigh. Nurses in blue scrub tops congregated on the side. Nothing looked particularly sanitary, certainly not sterile.
Beverly had said that Rose’s sons needn’t come, because the hospital is full of germs. So we’d dropped them off at home.
“Don’t touch your face,” she also instructed us. Really, don’t touch anything is better advice.

After fifteen minutes of shuffling and different offices a nurse in a blue scrub top and suspicious latex gloves took Jameson’s blood.
“Jameson, gade, look!” Beverly called to him, grinning enthusiastically, turning his gaze away from the needle. Jonas held Jameson in his lap and we all congratulated him as the nurse withdrew the vial of blood.
The blood test was exploring a variety of possibilities, including HIV.
After labeling the vial the nurse asked if Jameson had eaten that morning.
“No,” we confirmed. He hadn’t eaten today, at all, although it was now after 1 PM.
Apparently this was a blessing because the blood tests ought to have been after fasting.
“God knew,” Beverly said, smiling at me.
“I guess so,” I said. I was having a hard time smiling.

In Jameson’s house we grouped together to pray for him. Praying is almost always preceded by singing here, so Beverly asked what song would be good.
“What’s good for this time?” she asked. “What’s one of those songs you were singing last night?”
Last night, or rather yesterday evening before sunset, she and I had spent devotional time by the ocean. Beneath the almond and palm trees we sang and read Psalms and shared knowledge and stories. We marveled at the beauty of God’s Creation and the miracles of our friends’ lives.
It was restorative, filling us with energy and peace. We both could have kept singing there for hours, but dusk prompted our return to the house and all its activity.
Yesterday there was no shortage of songs in our hearts and mouths.
Today I sang to lull Jameson, finding no words for prayer and no tools for sanitation. All I had were my hands and my voice, so I used them both to lend some comfort to one sick little boy.
I’d been singing quietly all afternoon.
But when Beverly asked me to choose a song, I didn’t have an answer. What words could cry out to God in the way I wanted?
So I tried to call out to Jesus, the Bearer of our griefs.
“What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear…” I began, the others joining after the first few words. And that’s when I dropped, ducking out the doorway to staunch the sobs.
They continued singing inside beside Jameson’s bed, and after attempting to wipe my eyes with the short sleeves of the shrug I wore over my sleeveless dress, now spotted with dried sweat, saliva, bits of rice and flecks of vomit, I returned to the room also, putting my hand back on Jameson’s head as they began to pray.
My voice couldn’t join, so instead I let my heart follow Beverly’s words.
She prayed for care for Jameson and his family, for healing, for provision.
“Oh, thank you Jesus for food and clean water. They are such a blessing. We shouldn’t even have to think about having them, but we do. We pray you would provide soap and water for this family, for all our children, so they can wash their hands. We pray protection over this household, because if Jameson has typhoid what are the odds his brothers have it, too?”

After praying we left, Beverly telling Jameson he had to give her a hug.
“And I’ll see you lundi, or mardi, I can never remember which.”
“Lundi is Monday,” I supplied, smiling at Jameson who was grinning as he hugged Madanm Beverly and she hugged him.
“Nou renmen ou, Jezi renmen ou,” Beverly said.
“You know we love you, Jameson?” Madanm Rose asked.
“Wi,” he smiled.
I kissed his head one last time, scrunched up my nose at him and said “N’ale.”

Then we left him alone in the magenta-walled house, water bottle propped against the wall near his head, food on the side table under the fly cover.
In the whole afternoon he hadn’t washed his hands once. How can he? There wasn’t an opportunity at the school or the hospital for a good scrubbing.

I was uncomfortable going down into the Ravine in Port au Prince. Most times walking the street is less than comfortable, due to physical bothers such as uneven ground and loose rocks, and psychological bothers from catcalls and fear of being run over.
Most times you just don’t feel safe walking as a foreigner in Haiti. Sometimes Haitians themselves don’t feel safe.
I got called blan more times than I could count just trekking through the Ravine area. Like Koreans and their staring, most Haitians don’t recognize, or just don’t care, about the offense of being addressed as “foreigner.”
Even this morning while photographing students, one parent told her son to “gade yon blan,” “look at the foreigner,” so his face was to the camera.
But my own self-preservative qualms were crushed while standing in the “Camp.” The Camp is the second place food is distributed. It was begun after the earthquake, but six years later there are still many people residing there, in those child’s play shacks where babies are half-clothed or naked.
I played Peek a Boo with the wee ones who came through for their food. One little boy was caramel colored, lighter than the majority of his fellows, and was particularly fascinated by my skin. He kept touching it as though wondering if the color would come off, or struck by someone lighter than himself.
“He is almost the same as you!” Ms. Guetty laughed.
After him came the smallest one we saw that day, a babe in arms too young to yet lift up her head unsupported. She was precious and minute with that tantalizing curly hair, lamb soft and springy.
“Allo,” I said to her gently, bending at the knees to peer into her tiny face. A pair of not-quite-right eyes gazed listlessly back at me.
Perhaps they just needed cleaning, perhaps they signified a defect or damage wrought on by the squalor into which she’d been born.
Probably I’ll never know.
“And that’s too bad,” Beverly responded when I told her later. “Sherrie only accepts the best and brightest.”
Another heartrending statement that would sound degrading if it weren’t so true, so practical. With limited resources, you have to prioritize. Many schools and ministries make investments in people with potential, those who exhibit outstanding qualities and high work ethics, those who will study and strive hard and one day might serve well the suffering community.
That little baby with not-right eyes and that little boy with the club foot, they don’t qualify as the best and brightest. They may never have the chance to prove they have potential. They may never know life outside of that Camp in the Ravine.

I hope Jameson will know life outside of the magenta-walled house.
I’m thankful he’s gotten to know the use of a toilet and a large meal while at school. He’s guaranteed warm greetings and hugs and reiterations of “I love you and Jesus loves you.”
“It’s all about adding value to people’s lives,” Beverly says.

Today we added some more value to Jameson’s life, I think. We spent the afternoon going between the hospital and the pharmacy, holding and carrying him, feeding him and giving him medicine, singing to him and stroking his head. We left him smiling in the house with magenta-walls.
We also left him angry.

“I need to be angry for a while,” Beverly said as she typed furiously into her phone, having researched typhoid and its easily preventable causes. “I’m angry at this government. And I want to do something about it.”
She searched through contacts for anyone who would be interested.
We agreed that Jameson’s story needed to be told. And the more prayer warriors to lift up him and his family and all of our students without soap or food or knowledge of the toilet, the better.


When we got back to the house I went upstairs, heavily laid down my things and washed my hands. I got into the shower and washed myself and my clothes.
I wished to do the same for Jameson, who we had left still in the clothes he’d worn all day, now spotted with vomit, too.
But Jameson is not my son, and I’ve no desire to take him from his family who is trying. The most obvious reason for the house to be empty is that his parents are working. There was food laid out so clearly effort is made to take care.
Nevertheless, the pain of going back to a sprawling house with solid doors, matching tile, running water, electricity, fans and a refrigerator of drinking water, a living room with sofas on which an eight-year old boy lies at ease---that pain is not reduced by considering Jameson’s parents and their efforts.
The unfairness of it is excruciating.
The injustice of circumstance, of the uncontrollable where one baby is born into affluence and one into dirt poverty.
And the tragedy of preventability: of lack of basic necessities so that a child contracts a dangerous illness because there isn’t soap and water to wash his hands. Soap and water. Soap and water.
A bar of soap sells for less than a dollar in the States. And water for washing can come from a rain bucket.

Jesus promises that in His Father’s house there are many rooms, some even say mansions. There is room for all, and there are no more tears. There is no suffering, no lack, and no favoritism. There is no need for soap and water, there is no fear of disease, there is no need to be brought up from degradation or filth.
Those are the days I look forward to.
In the meantime, please join me in praying for Jameson, for this dear seven-year old boy with typhoid who shares a ten by twelve foot house with six other people.
Please think of the people in the Ravine, of the children who look forward to school as a place of love and fun and a guaranteed meal in a life guaranteed lack.

Every time you wash your hands with clean water and soap, think of Jameson who can’t. 

John 14:2
Revelation 21:4

http://wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/diseases/typhoid

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Not Comfortable but Joyous

“I try to look for the beauty,” Beverly said, as we strolled along the black-sanded beach after breakfast last Friday.
In Haiti, beauty is abundant. But so is suffering and squalor. There is tragedy continuously at odds with the marvelous creation.
Behind us as we walked rose mountains upon mountains, the closest one, deep green and purple hedging into the aquamarine sea. Palm trees curved over the surf along with tangled jungle greenery and flowers in scarlet and white.

Madanm Beverly and I had come into Ti Goave just the previous evening, squashed tightly into the Patrol SUV along with our hosts Pastor Levy and his wife Madanm Rose, visiting guests from Pennsylvania Juanita and Angela, Juanita’s sponsor daughter Myreline and all their luggage. It wasn’t overly comfortable for anyone. In the trunk the luggage pressed against the back of the four ladies’ heads: Juanita, Angela, Myreline and Beverly cozily acquainted. I nestled against Madanm Rose in the front, straining to keep my leg from impeding with the gear shift as Pastor drove. The AC continuously poured forth cold air so my hands had long ago grown chill. But after the first hour in the car, after we’d eaten our riz et pois, rice and beans take-out and reached the fringes of Port au Prince on our way westward, Pastor started to sing. His rich baritone filled the car and inspired the accompanying altos and sopranos. As we progressed in songs in English and Creole, Pastor’s voice ranged up and down like the hills around us. He sang high and low and repeated choruses with palms lifting from the steering wheel.
“Amazing Grace,” we sang together, as tap-taps and motos and overenthusiastic hatchbacks swerved around us. It wasn’t ideal or conventional or comfortable, but that’s Haiti. It’s Grace.
Our entrance into Ti Goave was preceded by going up a mountain. We cresting the small mountain over which the national road twisted, and the valley and sea spread before us in a scene of golden harmony, as though a reflection of our spirits.
Late afternoon sun made diamonds on the water and the mountains beyond were shadowed into charcoal, edges vague and dreamy. It was almost blinding, and easy to imagine how once the country was—an undiscovered treasure, a tropical paradise, the Pearl of the Caribbean.
In ten minutes more we reached the house, a gorgeous large place within sight of the sea. Walking in the wide front door I knew welcome: the space was expansive and open, airy with high ceilings and those classic white tile floors. This was a place to host, to share love. We were home.

It’s been over a week now. Ten days in this strange place of contradictions. Of contrasts. Of being told to hurry, only to be told to wait. Of waiting and waiting, only to be told you were expected and missed your appointment. Of extreme beauty laid waste and extreme heat rendered bearable or not, depending on the Fortune’s Wheel of electricity, rain, and water supply.
You strain to avoid the sun but sigh at its passing when darkness comes so early in the evening. You’re eager for thunder storms that cool the air and reduce the dust, but quaver at the consequence of washed out streets and flooded homes.
Everything contrasts. Everything contradicts.

My heart, too.
I’m indescribably happy to be here.
Ten days after arrival and I still can’t quite believe I’m here to stay. Yet the joy conflicts with the pain in my heart, the heavy sorrow at the tragedy all around. I ache with love for the wee ones scrambling for attention, marveling at their beauty and weeping for their need.
Recently I stood at the bedside of twins—two one-month old babes laid side by side, sleeping face to face, plump lips occasionally scrunching as they stretched in slumber, minute fingers curling and clenching. They were so perfect I was certain they were dolls. They were tranquil in their oblivion, unheeding of the heat or hunger or loneliness. And who but God could have made them so—with their shining curls, rounded cheeks and long-lashed eyes? Who but God could deliver these twins from their mother’s womb, safe and whole and visibly perfect at nine months, despite an open cervix and history of miscarriages?
As we stood around the bed, gazing at the twins in wonder and selfishly longing for them to wake so we might scoop them up, ensure their warm reality in our arms, their mother explained.
She spoke in Creole to Juanita, who had learned the language while living in Haiti and had kept fluent through continued use. Juanita told us yet incompetent blans in turn what the manman Madanm Eunide said.
“The doctor wanted to sew up her cervix,” she said. “She’d lost three babies before this and her cervix was open. But she said no, she didn’t want the surgery.”
This young manman, teacher of three-year olds at Christian Light School, Petit Goave, gestured. She raised her arms above her head and looked up, past the dingy ceiling of her low-roofed concrete house.
“She said she was trusting in God and didn’t want the operation,” Juanita relayed to us. Eunide shook her head, smiling. Her eyes were large and fringed by thick curling lashes. Braided pigtails bobbed on her head like a school girl. She wore a thin-strapped turquoise dress she surely reserved for home and not company—it was far too revealing for this area and her position as pwofesè.
“The doctor answered that he’d never seen such faith, and when the babies were born, healthy and on time, he said it was a miracle. It wasn’t normal.” Juanita smiled, sweat curling the hairs on her forehead.
We all nodded, sweat beading on our own foreheads, looking down at those foreheads unsullied by sweat or care. Who could call those perfect twins anything but a miracle?
“The doctor said he’d never forget her as long as she lived. And Eunide told him she served a big, big, big, big God.”  Gwo, gwo, gwo, gwo, Eunide had said, grinning.

“Well,” Beverly said, “I hope the doctor remembers that God did this.” She gestured to the babies on the bed.
We all agreed.
Pastor Levy then entered the room, gazing down at the twins as well.Before we left, after Beverly had poured gifts for the babies on the bed where they still slept, he prayed over them and the household.
Madanm Eunide hoped to come back to school in October, giving her another month at home with the twins and her seventeen-month old daughter.
Beverly supplicated her to make an appearance next week when school opens.
“It’s her presence that calms the children,” she said.
Eunide agreed. “Wi, wi,” she said. She posed behind her babies, lying across the bed.
Beverly took pictures to show in the States, where a church group promised to sponsor her, paying for formula for the twins.
As we readied to leave, continuously sweating but helplessly grinning at those wee ones sleeping figi a figi, face to face, they began to fuss in turn. First the one on the left began to scrunch her face pathetically. I laid my hand on her stomach and gently stroked. She quieted without ever opening her eyes. A minute later her twin began to contract her body, curling up her limbs and similarly scrunching her face. I repeated the motion, softly stroking her stomach. She, too, settled without waking.
I wanted to tell Madanm Eunide “bon travay,” good work, for her babies. In the States I’d often expressed that congratulations to parents with adorable babes. But the words seemed out of place here, apart from the humor that might be lost across cultures; here, the words fit, but only when addressed to God.
So I settled for a farewell to Eunide and a final glance at the peaceful, perfect sleeping twins, and considered the immense faith of this woman who lived in a concrete house and depended on donations to feed her children.
Really, she depends on God.
The whole country does. That’s Haiti. That’s Grace.

If we’re honest, we all depend on Grace, even if we don’t recognize that dependence.

Beverly uses the word “Godcidence” to describe those serendipitous occasions in which circumstances are too perfect to be naturally. Some folks call this Fate, some coincidence. Then there are the Faithful, who recognize God’s hand everywhere. Beverly is one of those people.

In the ten days that we’ve been together, having met for the first time in the Miami airport last Monday morning, I’ve lost track of the number of times Beverly has proclaimed she sees God’s hand at work.
His hand is everywhere.
Last Tuesday we attended a conference of Feed My Starving Children CROPPS 3D which provides food to many organizations and missions around Haiti. Worldwide FMSC provides meals for 750,000 people every day.
CROPPS 3D is a smaller program which currently works in 9 countries, Haiti being the most needy. Christian Light School, Pitit Goave is one of the missions provided food by CROPPS, enabled to feed the students a large meal every day they come to school.
At the conference, representatives from missions gathered and listened to FMSC employees advise on networking, support raising and publicizing. We also introduced ourselves and outlined what we do and how blessed we are to be part of CROPPS.

One young man, Andy, Haitian born but educated and Americanized to the point of no accent, repeated his thanks over and over again.
“I don’t want to say too much,” he said, standing up at his table in jeans, an “End World Hunger” t-shirt and “FMSC” hat, “but I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to all you at FMSC. Without you we couldn’t do what we do.”
As he continued to reiterate his gratitude and give a few more details of his program, a youth center that strives to keep kids off the street, providing tutoring, games, and food, I almost felt impatient.
“You said you didn’t want to say much,” I thought, continuing to wonder if he was Haitian or American. But really, can we ever say thank you enough?

The FMSC staff told us no.
“You can’t say thank you enough to your sponsors,” the Marketing Manager Gwen instructed us. “And say thank you publically.”
Everyone appreciates recognition.

We are all so blessed. That was a consensus at the conference.
We are also all so needy. That was obvious.
Person after person, self-sacrificing, hard-working visionaries, stood up and listed their greatest needs. A few shared previous struggles.
One man continues to work in Site Solay, the infamous slum of Port au Prince reputed to be the most dangerous place in the city. But this school principal has been there so long the young gangsters have grown used to his presence; when they were barefoot children he was working there, teaching school and organizing meals for local kids.
To financially support his mission this man works as a customs officer at the airport. “Most people say pastors don’t work,” he said, “so I work there. But I said I couldn’t go in today, because I had to come here.”

Another woman, Kellie, stood before us to share tips from her school’s cook on preparing the FMSC special Manna Pack Rice which is enriched with essential vitamins and proteins to boost growth and fight the ubiquitous malnutrition.
However, before opening the video she talked of the progress of the school, of the changes in the children. And she confessed she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
“You say to pray for you because you’re young and don’t know what you’re doing,” she said, peering over her reading glasses at Andy, the thankful man from the youth center. “Well, I’m old and I don’t know what I’m doing. God is leading.”
We all laughed. We all agreed.
The name of her ministry is “Grace So Amazing.”
As all the missionaries and managers prayed together later, we asked for continued energy, for encouragement and a fresh awakening every morning. We prayed for commitment to each other and our projects: God’s projects. We prayed for the vision of the young and the wisdom of the experienced.

Some representatives said they need vehicles and drivers. Some need land and materials for construction, most often because their program had expanded and there simply wasn’t enough room for all their people. Some need more workers, faithful fellows to join in the labor. Some need translators, teachers, or medical personnel. We all need funds.
We all need help.
Every person in that room, and in the world, comes before God with myriad problems. We all wake up and face challenges expected and obstacles unforeseen. We all get tired and worn out, feel discouraged and alone.
God holds each one of us in His hand.
God is arranging the intricate details of our lives. He’s looking back on our future having completed the perfect story. He’s filled each of our lives with sheer breathtaking moments of Godcidence.

“I always think of a tapestry,” Beverly said to me last week as we sat beside the ocean, cooled by the sea breezes and watching the clouds brighten from yellow to pink before dulling into mauve as the sun set behind the mountains. Her ever bright, alert brown eyes glinted behind her glasses and she smiled with her whole face, as she always does, every line quite probably the result of squinting from sunshine and smiles. “The front of the tapestry is so beautiful, but the back is all tangled and criss-crossed. That’s what our lives are like. That’s what God’s plan is like. God’s got this.”

Indeed. God’s got this.
He held Madanm Eunide in His hand and blessed her faith. He kept those twins growing inside her and then birthed them perfect and curly-haired. He nodded at the doctor’s awe and demonstrated His glory in this “not natural” birth.
He led Beverly from Port au Prince to little Ti Goave where He had her start a school, after she was sure she’d done her time in Haiti.
He’s grown the school every year. He listened to her prayer for an English teacher and answered with me.
He led me to Haiti ten years ago as a painfully shy fourteen year old with shallow ambitions. He wouldn’t let me get over it, and tugged on my heart continuously. He brought me back again and again. He had me educated, gain some experience and confidence, and now brings me back again, this time to stay.
He’s brought us all to where we are, and whether the place looks promising or horrifying, He is here with us now.
God’s got this. He’s got us.
And He’s not done with us yet.
I can’t see the tapestry yet. I don’t know what the final picture is going to be. I don’t know which characters will make the final cut, and which seemingly important bits will be trimmed away. I know so far there is already an appalling mess on the back where threads criss-cross and overlap and knots hold together the frame. Certainly I’ve tangled quite a few threads in clumsy attempts to direct my life.
But I don’t need to know the future. God knows.

Tomorrow will be Day 11, which marks the longest consecutive stay in Haiti yet. I’m living the dream here, in a place of contrasts, contradictions and discomfort. Things are not conventional. In many ways Haiti is living in the past. Gender roles, dress codes and hand-washed laundry clash with the blue jeans, smart phones and resorts. In every way Haiti is yet surviving by Grace.
It’s not comfortable most of the time, physically. My heat tolerance for temperature and spice is high, but it’s hot. Most days I sweat more than should be possible. Getting into the shower before bed at night is blessed relief, contrasting with that sadness that another day is passed.
Time is at odds. Traffic backs up the road as a pothole claims another wheel victim. A trip that ought to take 10 minutes takes 50 and an expected ride of two hours is completed in 1 hour and fifteen minutes. Lights extinguish as the electricity fails, plunging the house into darkness. Flashlights are found and the power resumes. Concrete dust clogs your nose and lungs in one corner, the stench of latrines and sewage makes you wince, and then the ocean breeze cleanses the air and you look up to see palm fronds swaying in a perfect sky. Babies as flawless as dolls sleep without care on a bed in a small home without screens on the windows or running water.

 “Look for the beauty,” Beverly says.
Beauty is abundant. If we keep our eyes open we will see it. If we keep singing Amazing Grace, keep saying mesi anpil “thank you”, then we’ll start to see it’s true.
God’s got this. The One who made the sun to be the source of life, not the bane of our existence, the One who shaped the mountains to inspire us, the One who molded each finger and toe and eyelash, He’s got this.

Maybe it’s not comfortable, squished tightly together, sweating constantly, swatting at flies. But it’s joyous. 

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Support Letter for Haiti

**just putting this up so anyone who didn't get a copy can see and know 

Dear Friends,

Just over a year ago I announced a move to Korea to teach English. Going to Korea was never an ambition or desire, but after research and closed doors, I found that Korea was a viable option. Teaching in Korea provided opportunity to gain experience teaching English as a foreign language, live abroad independently, and save money.
Korea was always meant to be a stepping stone to Haiti, the place I’ve longed to dwell since the first sunrise I watched from a Port au Prince balcony in 2006. In the past ten years I’ve traveled to Haiti seven times, always short-term. In 2006, ‘07, ‘08 and ’11 I joined a Danville Baptist Church team led by Al Perkins, working dually with concrete and children. In December 2011 I joined with an Art and Music Therapy group from my college. In January 2014 I was part of Al Perkins’ Turbo Cam team at Siloe School. July 2014 was the last trip: I co-managed a Vacation Bible School program for Siloe neighborhood children with Donna Edwinson. We fondly called ourselves “Team Deux (2)” and marveled at God’s provision with our provisions intended for 50 children.
Each trip has been a struggle involving bitter tears, excessive sweat, and heart-rending joy. At 14 I wanted to go to Haiti for a new experience, to hold babies and bare my arms in a concrete bucket-line. What I got was devastation. My thinking and ambitions were devastated beyond repair. And like many before me, I’ve realized that despite the immense hardships of the third-world, there isn’t another place I’d rather be.

Today, I have the chance to act on God’s calling. I have committed to one year at a school in Petit Goave, Haiti. The school was founded in 2014 by Ms. Beverly Burton, a Texas teacher, and is a satellite of Ms. Sherrie Fausey’s Christian Light School (CLS) in Port au Prince. This is the third school year in Petit Goave: the student body has grown to 121 children, aged three to eight. Since 2015 Ms. Beverly has been praying for another native speaker to come and teach English with her. Through God’s grace we connected and agreed I should go. On August 29 I should depart Boston Logan, connect with Ms. Beverly in Miami, and accompany her to Petit Goave.  
As the school is new and extremely limited on resources and English, the program is flexible. The current plan is that I will take over Ms. Beverly’s English classes, commencing phonics with the eight-year old students and beginning an adult program for parents. All of the students have basic beginning English or none at all. The school currently rents a building with basic classrooms furnished only with seats for the children. There is no electricity.

I don’t know what to expect from the year to come. After all, we can make our plans but God determines our steps (Proverbs 16:9). Surely He will challenge me immensely, physically and emotionally. Am I prepared? Certainly not. We can never be properly prepared for life. Am I ready? Yes. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.
I need help. While in Korea I did gain experience and save money. However, despite faithful monthly payments I still have student loans from college, and while in Haiti must pay monthly living expenses. Ms. Beverly and I will live with a Haitian pastor and his family. They will provide us two meals a day, shelter, and transportation. The area is well-secured. I will be responsible for room and board fees, plus monthly transportation costs to and from Port au Prince (to buy necessities and visit the main branch of CLS) and materials for teaching. The anticipated costs are approximately $600 per month. With my savings I will continue to make payments on the student loans and partially fund living in Haiti. As the school is donation-supported, I will work there voluntarily, rewarded with blessings abundant but not a salary.
Please consider supporting me. While in Korea I was covered by an immense and humbling amount of prayer, from loved ones to folks I’d never met. Many people wrote to me, showering my desk at school with more mail than all of my co-teachers put together. I pray that I continue to be so blessed.
I ask you for prayer, and if you are called, financial support. Funds are for the benefit of those in Haiti, the school children, staff and parents for whom education is impossible without aid. And a better future is impossible without education. Haiti is an oppressed country. Currently there is an interim president and frequent political protests. There is hunger, sickness, ignorance and voodoo. But God is there, and He dwells in the hearts of many.
We pray He will become known to many more, and be in the hearts of those children who can grow up to make a difference in their broken country. I hope to make a difference to them through teaching and witness of God’s love.

Thank you for your generosity in reading these words.
God bless you.

Warm regards, anyeonghaseyo안녕하세요and bonne journée.

 

Keep in touch!

You can follow me on my blog “Ramblings” http://rachelallyssaramblings.blogspot.com/
and the CLS Petit Goave school page: https://www.facebook.com/WhereHeLeadsHaiti/
where there will be updates from our life and work in Petit Goave.

As mail service is unreliable, I appreciate communication through Facebook and email: rachlyssa_9033@yahoo.com

Checks can be made personally to me, Rachel Collins, or to Christian Light School with my name in the memo line. Checks to Christian Light are tax-deductable.
The mailing address is
Christian Light School, Inc.
PO Box 23098
Jacksonville, FL 32241-3098




~Rachel Collins

Ragged Fingernails: The Price of Uncertainty

            I can measure my anxiety level by the length of my fingernails. When they’re moderately long, well-trimmed and evenly rounded, things are smooth and the stress is usual, manageable, something to shrug about. When they’re stubby, frayed and uneven, half-torn and half-polished, the stress is rising, sloshing about my ears and something to avoid conversation about.
            Today the nails are stubby, frayed, uneven, and rapidly sloshed with semi-transparent polish after a cleaning, necessary after I’d scraped off all the charming red polish. True, painting your nails, making them look nice and taste unpleasant is a definite defense against biting; but thus far I’ve never encountered a polish I couldn’t stomach. Polish-scraping is a sure sign of stress, too. When I’m worrying my fingernails with my teeth (a grisly habit, I know), I’m worried.

            Three days remain until departure.
            Uncertainty looms ahead, along with certain struggles, miscommunications and awkwardness. On Monday morning disguising itself as Sunday night my long-suffering parents and I will clamber ourselves and luggage into their sedan and cruise down deserted streets to Boston airport. They’ll pull up to the curb, we’ll hug farewell, and then I’ll be pushing luggage up to the check-in counter. Most likely one piece will be overweight and hoisting it onto the scale will be a strain on stress-tight muscles. It’s not easy to lift 70 odd pounds (at least not for me.)
            Preferably only one bag will exceed expectations and join its fellow on the journey to Haiti, arriving when I do to greet me cheerily from the conveyor belt in Toussaint Louverture airport. When my mother bought me a new suitcase last summer before Korea, I purposely chose the amazingly light-weight and audaciously red roller case. Curled up like a fetus I can fit myself inside. (It’s aptly sized for smuggling back a Haitian child or two.) The build makes the case strong but capable, and the color renders it easy to spot amidst the dismal black crowd of average luggage.
            Right now that case lies semi-packed on my bedroom floor. I’ve been stepping over it for the past few days, occasionally ruffling something out or wedging something in, attempting to re-shuffle weight. By now I’ve warmed to the idea of paying the extra expense to forgo the worry of weight-compliance. After all, if the case can happily expand to house 75 pounds of material, who am I to deny it that pleasure?
            In past years packing duffel bags for Haiti was a weighty business, pun intended, where teams or groups would meet together (hopefully over pizza) and systematically pack bags to 50 pounds or a graceful 49. Inevitably, despite the redistribution of goods and careful placement on scales, at least one bag would tip the scale at the airport, the digital numbers flashing a scandalized 51.3 or, goodness, 52.1! Depending on the attendant, these bags might be waved on with grace, or forced open on the airport floor to be once again reconstructed.
            The last time I went to Haiti my comrade and I really thought the attendant was joking when he told us that fifth bag was not allowed.
            “You’re kidding,” we said.
            He wasn’t.
            Travel to Haiti at that time limited check-baggage to solely two bags. Our fifth, excitedly filled bag was an illegal alien barred from crossing the border. We had no choice but to make the call to our already departed chauffer, by now on the freeway homeward, and squat down on the floor to make the cut. Some things were sacrificed, but the necessities were saved, praise God. And several minutes later our harassed driver, my comrade’s husband, arrived back at curbside where I could hand him the now depleted illegal bag. The other four were checked through, to the attendant’s relief (he really was upset for us), and we shook our heads, shrugged already sore shoulders, and carried on with our carry-ons. C’est la vie.

            This will be the first time I venture to Haiti on my own. Fortunately I am not making the entire trek solo, but should meet my co-worker in Miami before we board the same plane to Port au Prince. And, of course, we never go alone. The God who looks back on my life as a memory, the God who went before me to Korea and stood beside me all the time, the God who devastated my heart when first He called me to Haiti in 2006, that same gracious, omnipresent, incomprehensibly caring God will be with me, as He’s with me now, assuring me that all will be well.
            All will be well. All is well.
            This we must take on faith. If we don’t, we will be overcome by the worries of life. Our fingernails will never grow. We’ll forever look like ragged, haggard desperados with grisly habits. Not an image I prefer.
            This morning I spoke again with my co-worker, the woman who founded the school where I’m going, an abundantly energetic and hardy person. She told me about the plan for next week, from arrival in PAP on Monday afternoon to departure to the intended Petit Goave Thursday morning.
            “Our tentative plan,” she said. “Everything in Haiti is tentative.”
            Truth, I agreed.
            “Flexible is the key word,” she reminded me recently.
            Yes, indeed.
            Flexible. Tentative. Planned.
            Oh, but we will see.
            So much uncertainty. My nails are ragged.
            But life is uncertain. “The only thing for certain is uncertainty,” a Darryl Worley’s country song rings, defiantly optimistic.
            Life is a calendar marked with our expeditions, appointments and events, many of which will be crossed out, rescheduled, foregone in favor of something else. With God, that something else is guaranteed to be something better.
            I don’t know what’s in store in Haiti. I know it will be like nothing past and defy the expectations I’ve determinedly avoided. I know it will be hard; source after source has assured me Haiti is a hard place to live.
            But I know it will be good.
            God is good. All the time.
            See that? Repeat.
            Repeat again.
            Say it until you’re soothed by the flow of those words. Until it rings in your ears.
            That’s the ring of Truth.

            I’m sorry if right now it seems untrue. If right now things are dark, things are hard, life is bleak and all your hope is lost. Despair is a natural part of life, too.
            But you will survive. We can survive.
           
            There’s an old National Geographic magazine in my bedside table drawer. I’ve kept it there for years, stuffed down amid a mystique of pencils, markers, note cards, batteries and actually I don’t know what. It’s there for when life is hard, for when things are bleak and dark and completely unfair.
            The part to which I turn is from the journal of American photographer Joel Sartore exploring a new rainforest park preserve in Bolivia.  Rainforests are amazing places with infinite variety of birds, beasts and plants, complex ecosystems that present some of the most exotic beauties in the world. And the deadliest.
            Sartore and his journalist partner Steve Kemper stay in [squalid] jungle conditions. Accompanying photos give us stomach-turning proof. There, in their mess tent where the table is laid for dinner, insects swarm, covering clean plate and utensils. Awaiting a herd of wild pigs four of them stay a few days in a canopy platform, confined to ten or so square feet where they use a bucket for a toilet and sleep beneath urinating bats. It’s too hot to sleep on their stomachs. The pigs never come.
            While hiking through the forest Sartore picks the wrong leaf to use as toilet paper. It’s painfully toxic. The two Americans listen to their hosts’ stories of toothache and fevers and infection able to be cured by antibiotics and basic care. They see children play in sewage-infested water.
            After they leave Bolivia, Sartore discovers he’s been bitten by a parasite. At the time of the article’s publishing he’d undergone surgery and three weeks of IV treatment. He was possibly cured. [I’ve looked him up and he appears to be thriving now.]
            What a place, I think, every time I read this article of Bolivian rainforest. So much inspiring beauty and vivid life in the rainforest, and so much squalor and danger for the inhabitants.
            Sartore and Kemper leave that place, infected perhaps, with more than disease. They will surely never forget the people they got to know, the ones for whom this place is their reality.

            Compassion and empathy forbid the words “at least.” I will not say “at least you don’t live there!” That’s not the point. Nor is it, “things could always be worse,” (although I do believe this.) The point, the reason I keep this magazine with its provocative article, is the humanity. Humankind is resilient beyond possibility. We can endure, even thrive, under indescribable adversity. And somewhere, always, there is beauty.
            In Madidi, Bolivia, there is beauty in butterfly wings, sunlight through the canopy, flashing macaw feathers, dark-spotted jaguars, cloud-shrouded mountains. There is danger in poisonous leaves, ravaging pigs, carnivorous fish, swarming insects, contaminated water. Contrast. We see it everywhere. Many travelers have noted the jarring contrast between the beauty of the environment, the hearts of the people, and the horrific circumstances of war, disease, rape, poverty and death.
            God has not given up on the world. He could have given us up when Eve heeded that sneaky serpent, when Adam excused his disobedience. He perhaps should have casted us off as hopeless and started fresh.
            But He didn’t.
            Therefore we are not permitted to give up on the world either.

            Haiti is a place of contrasts as much as Bolivia or Uganda where Katie Davis meets beauty and brokenness. In Haiti brilliant fuchsia bougainvillea adorns walls and sidewalks even inside the dust-ridden city. Frangipani lends vanilla fragrance to courtyards. Coconut palms sway across the blue sky in the same refreshing dance they do in any tropical paradise. Sunrise is a golden crown over purple mountains. Mountainside houses shine like low-hung stars, their earthly roots invisible against the night sky. Children present brilliant smiles, their teeth defiantly white despite lack of dental visits or regular brushing.
            You’ve heard about the ugly things against which these lovely ones spar: the sewage, the trash heaps, the hovels, the latrines, the sores, the scars, the festering.
            There is an immeasurable amount of need.
            An amount we can’t ascertain with airport scales. An amount we can’t satisfy with a truckload of overweight luggage. An amount we can’t hope to overcome.
            Only God can meet that need.

            Katie Davis says that she feels sometimes like she’s emptying the ocean with an eyedropper. There is so much need. Too much need. How can she make a difference? How can she ever empty that ocean of need with her diminutive eyedropper?
            Well, she can’t.
            We cannot fix the world. It’s a broken place that will ever be filled with contrasts of God’s Creation and Sin’s Destruction. Man’s destruction.
            Thankfully, we don’t need to fix the world. God doesn’t expect us to, and we certainly shouldn’t expect it of ourselves. To do so would only lead to disappointment, and despair, that sadly certain part of life.

            Katie cannot empty the ocean with an eyedropper. I cannot bring to Haiti enough supplies, enough papers, books, crayons, slates, alphabet charts, balls, shirts, shoes and bubbles, enough band-aids to sate the yawning chasm of need. There will always be another child wanting. I am not enough. You are not, either.
            But God is.
            Life is uncertainty and challenge and fright, a tide of overwhelming circumstances that sloshes about your ears, sometimes over your head, breaks against your back, knocks against your knees and pulls at your ankles while they sink in the sand. It makes you bite your nails and lose focus.
           
            If you’ve ever been to the ocean, however, you know that it’s not just about salt stinging your eyes or pebbles gouging your soles or seagulls swooping past your head. It’s also about the ceaseless break of waves on shore, the lullaby of tide, the swirl of pale-green foam on blue-green water, the smoothness of rock, brick and glass, rendered soft in the toss of tide and time. It’s about sand between your toes and wind in your hair. It’s about diamonds on the water when the sun breaks over the horizon or the moon shines down.
            Life is a contrast of need and fulfillment, struggle and ease, defeat and victory.
            Places like Bolivia, Uganda, and Haiti are picture-proof. Dwelling there is guaranteed to devastate.

            My fingernails are not totally devastated. Scraping off polish is tedious, so often by the time it’s nearly eradicated the urge to chew has diminished. Anxiety found its outlet in gouging white lines along each fingertip, plowing a path through the polish. Possibly by Monday morning, disguising itself as Sunday night, around 2 AM when we must depart for the airport, possibly by then they’ll look worse. More stubby, frayed, and uneven.
But maybe not. Possibly I’ll roll back my shoulders, stretch out my knees, and shake out my hands, letting alone my harassed fingernails. Possibly I’ll accept I know nothing and trust God with everything. Possibly I will be able to practice what I preach: have faith!

There’s more packing to do. More rearranging, wedging, wrapping, and creative folding. More hoisting, sweating, sighing, and possible gnashing of teeth. However, I know with peace that those needy children, their needy parents, their needy neighbors, their needy grandsons and their needy babies, their needs are not mine to meet. They will not be fulfilled whether I bring down ten clipboards or twenty, hula hoops or bubbles, thick chalk or thin chalk. They don’t depend on me. I am not the heroine. I’m not the savior of the world.
Praise God, that job’s already taken.

My job is to teach. My job is to reach out beyond the comfortable complacency of my little blue bedroom and tree-engulfed backyard. My job is to stand before a room of students so I can stand among them, a teachable teacher. My job is to stand before churches and tell about those students, present the needs we have seen. My job is to write about those needs. My job is to tell God all about what He already knows, and ask Him to do something. To help me do something. To help me help others know to do something.
So on Monday morning disguised as Sunday night I’ll head off to Haiti. (“World-traveler,” people keep calling me. Go to Korea once and you’re qualified.) With wiser, stronger, better people I will join and work.
It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a daily encounter with contrasts, and with the choice to despair over the challenges and heartbreaks, or to rejoice over the victories and laughter.
Because there is always something to laugh about, if only the absurdity of reality. Absurd realities such as working in a building void of electricity although this is 2016. Of leaving a life of convenience and consistency, independence and freedom for third-world conditions and limitations. Of languages not quite meeting and laughter as the common tongue.
We can always laugh.
And we can always love. Love itself is a victory, always returned in some fashion, expected or unprecedented. Perhaps reflected in kind, perhaps paid forward. The more we love, the more we are loved. If you’re Christian, you believe God is love, and the more Godliness you give, the more you receive. As my dear friend says, “the more Jesus you give, the more Jesus you get.” Blessings abound. Love abounds, frayed fingernails and all.

“That love is the reason I just keep filling up my little eyedropper, keep filling it up and emptying my ocean one drop at a time. I’m not here to eliminate poverty, to eradicate disease, to put a stop to people abandoning babies. I’m just here to love” (Davis 16).

3 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” ~James 4:13-15


Top of Form
Davis, Katie, and Beth Clark. Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption. New York: Howard, 2011. Print.
Sartore, Joel. “Bugging Out.” National Geographic 197.3 (2000): 24-29. Print.

Worley, Darryl. Sounds like Life. Stroudavarious Records, 2009. CD.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Korea Might Kill You

Korea might kill you.
What will do it?

The food—of course. It’s dangerously abundant and cheap.
The spice. Sliced jalapeno hidden in hot miso soup already spicy and steaming; wasabi camouflaged with salad greens; deceptively cold kimchi that sets fire to your tongue. The more kimchi jigae you eat the hotter you get till your eyes are streaming to match your nose and it’s hard to see the way to the bottom of the bowl.
Whether it’s too spicy or not you’re warned by the wait staff and the chef. They know foreigners can’t handle spicy food. Only Koreans have the elusive capacity for the hot stuff. When you reassure them their faces take on that classically impressed expression: eyebrows lifted, eyes widened and mouth rounded. “Wah,” they say in that seemingly patronizing manner (the same expression occurs when you use the most basic of Korean phrases.)

The salt. All your favorites are soiled with it. Sam-gyup-sal is one of the most popular foods: three-layered fatty pork self-grilled with your choice of garlic, onions, kimchi, bean sprouts, topped with sauce and wrapped up in a lettuce leaf to pop into your mouth.
Ramyeon is a staple—and we all know the egregiously high sodium content in those flavor packets.
Meat buffets, sushi buffets, buffets of all kinds are abundant and inexpensive, so you can overindulge yourself economically.
Noodles, rice, meat and sauce-soused vegetables follow you. And they taste great.

The sugar. Oh, how we live for the salt and sugar of our lives! Koreans perhaps recently discovered baked goods, and now are saturated with sweets. Proper coffee shops are often also “dessert cafes” with a tantalizing glass case display of cake slices, muffins and cookie decadence. The big names of Paris Baguette and Tous les Jours dominate the city blocks with their vast array of oven-made goodness. The supermarkets boast impressive bakeries, too, so you can too easily procure your muffin, doughnut, sweet red-bean filled bread fix while grocery shopping for vegetables.
Bing-su is the signature Korean dessert. Made with shaved ice, more recently ice of condensed milk, it’s a cold bowlful topped and littered with anything from the traditional soy-bean powder and red-bean sauce to chocolate and oreos, frozen fruit and cheesecake chunks. Typically its served in large black bowls suitable to share among at least three persons. (Because in Korea, and most of Asia, everything is shared, from food to the non-existent “personal space.”)
Ice cream is also cheap and ubiquitous. Convenience stores always boast those sliding door freezers loaded with individually wrapped treats from familiar frozen cones of vanilla, chocolate, and nuts, to the distinctly Korean fish-shaped cones stuffed with red-bean. How can you say no to 500 or 1,000 won ice cream?

The caffeine. Cafes are on every corner. Often side by side, stacked up and tucked away in every building. Vending machines with hot-cup coffee or little metal cans of it fill in the spaces too small for a proper shop or stand. And convenience stores and supermarkets of course provide innumerable coffee influenced beverages. Oh, and the pharmacy, the phone shop, the hair salon, your hagwon, your church and every place in between so graciously offer cheap machines or hot water and instant packets. Because everyone’s got to have their coffee fix. How else could we maintain the schedules we do?


The alcohol. It’s cheap and ubiquitous as ice cream. One 3,000 won bottle of Soju mysteriously multiplies into six. Frothing pints of beer come easy at the innumerable hole in the wall chicken shops. Here you get the double heart-attack factor of beer and greasy fried chicken, served with appetizers of popcorn, silk worm pupae, or another salty finger-snack, but accompanied with a pile of “grass” to slightly balance the meal.
If you teach adults you’ll most likely encounter them hung-over more than once. You have to admire their stamina when they attend that early morning class after returning home a few hours previous following a night of carousing. Probably they’ve been drinking under unspoken obligation with colleagues or customers. Refusing to drink what your boss has poured is the equivalent of slapping his face, so I’ve heard.
“My boss expects me to drink.” I’ve heard that before, too.

“Alcohol is my best friend.” And heard that, too.

So they drink because they’re expected to. They certainly drink to forget also. Grinding away the same draining routine, paying bills for a family you see less and less, straining to keep up with a dwindling job market and ever more competitive applicants—that takes its toll. One more bottle of Soju blurs those unpleasant realities.

That brings us to the work schedule.
As an English teacher your hagwon hours are awkward and make your distant friends and current students wince on your behalf. But those students you teach at egregiously early 6 AM, well before sunrise in winter’s drear, their faithful attendance is the commencement of an endless day. After class some may return home for refreshment: breakfast and grooming. The women rouse their children from bed and prepare the family for their routine. The men enjoy their only quiet moments before the grind. Others commute directly to work where they spend their day and the beginning of their night. Forbidden to nap they doze at their desks, “uncontrollable,” as one student said, laughing in our 7 AM class. The previous night she’d worked until ten, her duties and wishes disregarded by her boss.

Some may not see their families at all during the week. One dear man who glows when speaking of his daughter shares time with her on weekends only. His departure for our 6 AM class was before his wife and daughter’s arousal, and his nightly arrival after his daughter’s return to bed. She is seven years old.

When I ask my junior (children) students if they often eat with their families, the affirmatives are sparse. Not usually. Perhaps on weekends the family goes out to a restaurant and shares a delicious meal. During the week the kids sit on stools at the convenience store and chow down on Ramen heated in the store’s microwave. They bring their disposable cups of tokppokki from the shop behind the institute to class. The older ones show up late to grab a rapid “dinner” before committing to their two-hour English class.
They’ve got to get ahead somehow.


The competition.
The workers have it bad. The students have it bad, also. Perhaps they’ve got more freedom in what hours are spent on the grind, perhaps they can sleep until noon, but then it’s study until you collapse, drink to revive until you collapse again.
Entering university requires a year or two of hard study, of preparation for applications that may reject you because you’re just not good enough to grace that campus. You’d better have attended the right hagwons, the best academies and institutes, better have practiced and memorized until your high school days were just solitary confinement behind books.

The education system.
Rote and memorization.
“School is like a prison for them,” a recent high school graduate said to me. “They just go and sit and listen. Students should participate more.”
They should, I agree. But they don’t.
I told her that rote is the old fashioned style. That at one time most schools adhered to this dreary routine. But that now we have learned it’s not the most effective, pleasant or interesting method. Many schools have progressed to interactive programs with group work, projects, presentations, experiments, field trips, and encouragement.
Not Korea.
Students should be seen and not heard.
Teachers should be rigid.
Questions are rhetorical.

The blank walls.
It’s a transitory place, Korea. Most foreigners come here for a year or two, wishing to experience foreign life, taste new culture and post enviable pictures. Few people stay.
Even the Koreans are always trying to leave. “Hell Korea,” some say, and try to “GTFO.” (You can look that one up.)
Apartments are done in wallpaper and frames are uncommon.
At institutes the walls are often bare. Blue and white and beige walls enclose some uniform desks and chairs and students.
There are no bold alphabets, number charts or posters to learn shapes, colors, or fruit. There are no maps to point out where you come from, to wonder at the size of the world or the places you can roam. There is a white board on which you shouldn’t write their names in red, and a Smart TV, a screen they love to doodle on.
What you really want is for them to doodle on the walls. To get paint on their hands and clothes and cover those bland, claustrophobic walls with the scribbles and masterpieces they hide with their embarrassed hands.
I’d love to showcase their unique styles and prove to them art is not taught by a book.

The shame.
Not every child deserves a medal just for showing up. Not every losing contestant should be awarded a prize. We must accept that sometimes there are clear winners and clear losers. Try again next time.
But let’s also remember always to encourage. Everyone has something to offer and effort should be recognized, if only with brief words of praise.
Recently in a higher level adult class we discussed beauty standards, the merit of physical appearance and first impressions, the preferential treatment of attractive people, and the impact of childhood conditioning of confidence and compliments.
My students didn’t seem to see the importance in assuring children they are beautiful or handsome. I hope they will do so with their own, however, to prevent the epidemic of shame and the monstrosity of the cosmetic industry.
In the States the most common commercials I recall were for cars, car insurance, credit cards and department stores. In Korea, the majority of advertisements are for alcohol and cosmetics and coffee. Well, doesn’t that sum up the culture most tidily?
Like most females, I appreciate the emphasis of mascara, the brightening of shadow and liner about the eyes, lip tint and the occasional foundation to ease blemishes. Every morning I applied at least a smidge to my face before standing in front of my students.
But makeup is not necessary for beauty. It should accentuate the natural features, not alter them.
That’s not the Korean thinking.

Moon-pale faces often contrast with darker-tinted necks. Girls await surgery because without the coveted Western double-eyelids they’ll never be beautiful. Small faces are treasured. And masks of more products than I can name are applied daily before she leaves the house. I don’t know what some of the women’s faces really look like. I’ve only ever seen the mask.

Their hair also must be dark. Although many Koreans go gray early on, perhaps the stress?, you rarely see a silver-crown. They faithfully dye their hair every month to prevent the world from seeing what they know.
It also ought to be properly styled. Perms are common enough, although not usually effective. A student may come to class with hair slightly crimped, proudly announcing they’ve just had a perm. Men wax their short hair into soft spikes or their long hair in the suave miniature pompadour, and present smoothly shaven chins.
They look good. Oh, Koreans are beautiful.
Naturally so. They needn’t make such an effort to appear so perfect. But when the beauty standard is one obtained through genetics, cosmetics, hard dieting and plastic surgery, what choice is there but to try so hard? Especially when there are ever more attractive applicants at your job, or fetching candidates for blind dates?

The relationships.
Korean dramas are ludicrous. In the West we call them “soap operas”: rife with betrayals, affairs, love triangles, copious tears, reunions and heartache. The actors are gorgeous and the stories ridiculous. The general population loves them.
Perhaps they are not as absurd as they seem. Somewhere, a writer was inspired by reality. Later, someone was inspired by the writer’s script. Now, the line between reality and drama is blurred.
Going out with someone of the opposite gender one on one means you are dating. Dating means you are in a relationship. That guy you were casually interested in is now your boyfriend. Going to the movies with him committed you. He expects to hold your hand and show you off as his special possession. He also will treat you in a most queenly manner, paying for meals and bringing you presents and demonstrating his willingness to give you the moon.
Good luck shaking him off.
A frightening number of times now I’ve heard the same story.
“I wasn’t really interested in my husband, but he kept chasing me, so we got married.”
Women are pursued most aggressively and persistently, and whether the attraction is mutual, the couple more often than not ends up married. He chases, and she settles.
After the marriage, she’s no longer queen. She’s housewife, and she ought to take care of the home and the on-coming babies. He works, she manages.
“Affection is stronger than romance. She is like my sister,” said one male student who’s been married ten years to a woman he’s never been in love with.
“Affections is stronger than romance.”
They’re comfortable, these couples. They lead good lives together. They are good partners and give their best to their children. They are amicable roommates.
But those late morning ajumma housewife students, they tell you with misty eyes about their first love, the boys who still make their eyes light up. The ones for whom they didn’t settle and of whom they still daydream.

You have to admire the tenacity of those persistent men. Their efforts are admirable, perhaps begrudgingly so. When a Korean man cares for you, he will continuously demonstrate that affection.
But that seemingly besotted boy lacing his fingers with his girlfriend in matching cap, shirt and sneakers, coordinating couple-wear is hugely popular, that same charming boy may very well be spending his nights with his arm around another girl.
That man who splits his time between cities, one for home and one for work, he may be one of the visitors to the clandestine hotels set up for meetings between unmarried husbands and wives.
Diligence is a Korean trait, certainly. But faithfulness—that definition may have been lost in translation.

All these tragedies might kill you.
Depression and suicide are astoundingly common in Korea.
But there are many wonderful aspects to slay you just as acutely.

Devastating beauty.
Breath-taking cherry blossoms. They are really more spectacular than people say. Springtime in Korea is magical in its abundance. There are the usual welcome purple and gold forsythia, violets, hyacinth and daffodils. But the splendor is in the cherry blossoms: those avenues of winter wonderland in warm sunshine when you walk down a sidewalk lined with trees. Petals loosened by breezes dance in the air like snowflakes, and the gentlest walls of celestial white and pale pink enclose you. Earthbound petals gather at your feet, the most gracious kind of litter, and everyone and their mother is taking selfies. If you’re like me you cannot stop repeating “Wow,” with a silly smile on your face, taking too many photographs to try to capture some sense of this heavenly display for folks far away.
But all those adjectives you once thought powerful fall short. Korea is worth visiting if only for a few days under the cherry blossoms.

They grow everywhere, those sakurah, the Japanese cherry trees. Korea is a land of mountains, and if you get close in the springtime you can see the patchwork of uniquely spring greens and pinks. The mountainsides are checkered with the budding foliage and the thriving blossoms. And just when the cherry trees expunge themselves, finally shedding all their glory, the peach trees sweep in with their remarkable blush to continue this parade of pink and green that provides balm to the eyes well into Spring.

At the onset of summer the roses burst out. They reach past their walls to dangle tantalizing before your nose as you walk, inviting you to take literally that famed adage to stop and smell. Wild they abound, clambering over walls and up trellises, but pruned they show-off; a visit to a local park boasts all the shades and all the scents, from the velvety soft blackened crimson to the lemony-scented brassily orange to the stately lavender melding with the twilight to the heart-warming coral with blooms as big as your head.

After summer’s green glory, autumn enflames the world. Maple trees aggressively flash yellow and scarlet, intermittent with the perfect orange persimmons weighing down branches at every step.
As in Spring, walks in Autumn involve forays down tunnels of solidarity, enclosed by gold foliage and dancing errant leaves gallivanting about on the breeze.
When the snow falls it’s likely to land on some remnant maple leaves, and you can admire the stark contrast of pristine wintry whiteness with those brilliant primary hues.

Some things are constantly glorious through all the seasons.
Those mountain vistas. Blue beyond blue they layer the horizon, eventually merging sky and peak into one mysterious yonder.
High up the crags are steep, and vertical rocks jut out from the green mountainside, impassable and unforgiving like arrowheads sunk into the earth.
Out of breath you can stand with feet apart on a rocky top and see the world just a little like God must see it when He leans in close.

In the city there’s beauty, too. Down by the river growth and birds abound. Herons glide overhead to arc down smoothly into the water, where they tread stately on their long thin legs.
At sunset the sun teases the mountains, slowly bleeding red before ducking out of sight behind the mountains, spreading salmon and gold into the sky, shining off the river.

The turquoise waters around Jeju Island where foaming green meets deeper blue and washes against queerly porous charcoal rocks, rocks fraught with shells, sea glass and remnants of visitors.
Like the morning mist that blurs the mountains at sunrise, melding gold and blue in an ever admirable vista.

The people are beautiful, as I’ve said.
They are naturally blessed with fine, thick hair, delicate noses, finely sculpted hands and cheeks. And they are slim and easy in their movements. They dress well: Korean women can manage short skirts and high heels without a missed step or nervous pull-down.
The children smile so wide their eyes crease up into the delightful “eye-smile,” that makes you warm and fuzzy inside no matter how impish they might be.
And the cheeks. I can’t say enough about Korean baby cheeks. They’re round, they’re chunky, and they’re utterly squeezable. The temptation to touch strangers’ babies is powerful.
They’re hospitable, Koreans, and polite.
You greet with a bow and don’t let the other person pay. (But forget about lines—you must use your elbows or lose your place.)

There are a lot of problems in Korea. It’s a country with innumerable complications, a lengthy, sad history of occupation, internment, abuse, war and unfulfilled justice.
Alcoholism and depression are rampant and not often discussed. Pressure to be successful, to get a good job, marry well and make babies is still high.
Despite the female president, women’s rights are still not up to par, and in some neighborhoods you’d best not wander alone, ladies.
But overall, the country is incredibly safe, clean and convenient. The public transportation will certainly not kill you, but impress you with its inexpensive efficiency. The facilities will impress, too, clean and well-maintained, as are the public parks.
You’ll be impressed by the people: their intelligence, diligence, and seemingly boundless energy. You’ll wonder how they maintain such impossible schedules and still worry about you and your “dark circles.”

You’ll cry from laughing, at the unique ESL conversations, at the strange “Konglish” phrases. In some you see the logic: “sports dance” = Zumba, “skin-ship” = physical touch in a relationship, “camping car” = an RV or attachable camper. At others you raise your eyebrows: “one-piece” = dress.
You’ll double over at the ludicrous printing on t-shirts, hats and bags. “Pervert” is a popular hat slogan. “Swagalicious,” too. On one memorable canvas tote was the phrase “I watch you creepily in the dark with my mustache.” And t-shirts provide all manner of educational reading.
 My purchased tee reads: “Creamy Butter. Keep it in the icebox.”
My favorites I saw included: “I am a white color,” “Black America,” “American Black,” “I got involved in my neighbor’s personal life.”
The Koreans wonder why you’re laughing but attempts to explain fall short.

You’ll be bemused, confused and indignant over certain things. You’ll shake your heads at the ads for alcohol and ageism where two years makes you inferior.
You’ll applaud the healthcare system and hospital treatment and lack of tipping.
You’ll either love or hate kimchi, removing your shoes at the door, and K-dramas. (I appreciate the first two and cannot understand the third.)

Korea might kill you with its myriad tragedies and triumphs. You might die of alcohol poisoning or be hit by a mad driver while crossing the street. (The driving test is notoriously easy and traffic violations are not often noted.) Your Korean friends or students tell you drinking the tap water at your apartment will do you in, as will sleeping with the fan on and not wearing a mask during Yellow Dust season.
Or you could overindulge on sushi, savory beef, sweet bread, Baskin Robbins, or tokkpokki. Or be devastated by the scenery, the cuteness, the unfailing traditions.
You could be amazed by how comfortable you feel in a place so far from your origins. How welcome you are made and how easily you can settle in.
You can impress the locals by using chopsticks or introducing yourself in Korean.
There are so many things to kill you, slay you physically or intellectually, obliterate your preconceived notions and introduce you to wonders unprecedented.

I have left Korea and may never return (although I hope this is not the case.) I survived, through the hazardous traffic, tap water, spices, sweets, and salt, depression and unexpected.
I certainly ate well.
I loved and was loved on.
I lost my breath every time I saw that avenue of cherry trees.

Korea might kill you. Or it might make you stronger, wiser, and humbler as you recognize the similarity of humanity everywhere, and your own minuteness in the world.

And you might find a new haven that will ever feel like home.